Reality on TV Is Only an Illusion

We face a burgeoning onslaught of TV “reality” ranging from actual lawyers in courtroom programs to dramatic re-creations on quasi-news shows.

So it helps to recall the rantings of mad/wise anchorman Howard Beale in the movie “Network.” Never forget, he urges viewers, “You people are the real thing! We are the illusions.”

The illusion grows.

On the drawing board now is a syndicated series to be called “The National Lost and Found.” It would match unknowing beneficiaries with the unclaimed inheritances to which they are entitled.

Presumably, the unwary lucky ones and their loot would be united right before our eyes in scenes guaranteed to produce thrilling emotion, amazement and perhaps even an occasional seizure or cardiac arrest. There’s no holding back reality.

A more certain arrival (Oct. 8 on KNBC Channel 4) is “Group One Medical,” featuring real doctors and real patients engaged in, we’re promised, real medical treatment. “Let’s take a look up that nose, Mrs. Simms. “

To think that there’s big money to be made on TV just by showing a slice of life. Well, this is a gold mine that I, for one, don’t want to miss out on. Thus, I’m submitting for consideration my own list of reality shows guaranteed to be just as compelling as those already in existence.

“The National Better Left Lost Than Found.” Our subjects are simply overwhelmed by emotion when united on live TV with their long-lost enemies. The ensuing violence produces a level of reality previously unreached on the small screen.

“The Suers.” A unique new reality law series. The camera is a witness to attorneys planning their actual strategies for malpractice suits they’re filing against the doctors and lawyers featured in the other reality shows.

“The Plumbers.” Yes, here’s your opportunity to accompany radio-dispatched plumbers on actual jobs ranging from leaky faucets to clogged drains and stopped-up toilets. No acting here. These guys and their customers are real! And the camera brings you so perilously close to the action that you’ll swear you’re holding the plunger yourself.

“America’s Most Unwanted.” Meet and hear the fascinating stories of the very few people in America who have not been found or solicited by any other reality show. Yes, they are uninteresting. Yes, they are unintelligent. Yes, they offer absolutely nothing. But are these reasons enough to black-list them? Find out for yourself on “America’s Most Unwanted.”

“The Calculators.” Our cameras take you into the office and let you feel the euphoria and exhilaration of Certified Public Accountants and their clients as they meticulously discuss financial planning, litigation support and fiduciary and individual tax returns. You’ll be on the edge of your seat when a client phones in to report that she’s lost her 1987 tax return, a crisis that can be resolved only by her accountant sending her a copy. Will he do it? Watch “The Calculators” and find out.

“We’re On Our Way, Ma’am.” The call comes in to the dispatcher in contact with six radio-directed, 24-hour mobile service units. The voice on the line asks: “Do you install dead bolts?” The dispatcher replies: “Sure do!” And, thanks to the camera, we’re on our way, rushing to a customer during another fast-paced day in the career of an actual licensed and bonded locksmith. No, not someone from Hollywood dressed like a locksmith, the real McCoy. And you’re there as he makes duplicate keys and gives fast, courteous service.

“Two’s a Crowd.” We search the land for identical twins who were not separated at birth, but want to be separated now. We help them relocate and pick out unmatching wardrobes as, accompanied by our cameras, they take this emotional final step toward disengagement.

“The Fabricators.” Almost too real to bear, this is an inside look at the people who create reality shows.