Gophers Dig Themselves to the Top

THE COLLEGES

It’s been a year to forget for the state of Minnesota. The Twin Cities have been betrayed by Gophers (clobbered by Nebraska), Vikings (clobbered by a semi-pro team out of Pittsburgh), and the Twins (fading from sight), with more disappointments to come from the NBA expansionist Timberwolves.

In addition, a new federal study indicates that Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport ranks No. 1 in the Bottom Ten of Airports as the noisiest flight facility in the nation.

The Gophers are typical members of the hapless Big Ten (10-13 overall). No. 10 Ohio State fell to USC, 3-42, despite the absence of the Trojans’ strongest runner--Traveler IV, out with an ankle injury. Traveler V, who had planned to red-blanket this season, was pressed into action instead.

Like Ohio State, Illinois was burned, though in a different manner. Following the Illini’s 41-2 win over Utah State, someone set fire to 40 yards of artificial turf in the team’s stadium. One thing about artificial turf, though. It grows back fast.

THE RANKINGS

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Gophers (1-1) 0-48, Nebraska Indiana St 1. Vikes (1-2) 14-27, Pitt Tampa 1. Twins Who Cares Next Year 1. Timberwolves* Idle Don’t Ask 1. T-C Airport Loud Louder 6. UCLA (1-2) 23-24, Michigan Cal 7. LSU (0-2) Idle Ohio U. 8. Mich. (1-1) ** Def. UCLA, 24-23 Maryland 9. Arizona (0-8)*** 1 Receiver Stay Tuned 10. Ohio St (1-1) 3-42, USC BC

11. Big Bully Houston (penalized 23 times for 236 yards against Arizona State); 12. Wimpy Arizona State (2-1); 13.-15. The Miamis (Florida, Ohio, Puerto Rico); 16. Florida State (2-2); 17. Oklahoma QBs (threw for zero yards for third straight week); 18. Idle; 19-20. The Troys (USC, Troy State-Ala.) (4-3).

*Projected 1989-1990 record for NBA expansion Timberwolves is 9-73.

**Coach Bo Schembechler, after beating UCLA: “Right now we’re just not a good team.”

***A wide receiver this week became the eighth Arizona player to be suspended or disciplined for off-field behavioral problems this year.

ROUT OF THE WEEK: Maryland (1-3) over Michigan (1-1).

TASTIER THAN THE GOODYEAR BLIMP!: A giant carrot will circle above the Tennessee-Auburn game in Knoxville as part of a vegetarian group’s “outreach campaign.”

THE PROS

While rookie Dallas owner Jerry Jones pressed his campaign to have Liz Taylor named as the new NFL commissioner, the Cowboys ran their on-field record to 0-3. Obviously the replacement of Tom Landry by Jimmy Johnson has made a big difference. At least Dallas won three games last year.

In the Meadowlands, a crowd of 74,742--or 74,743, if you count Jimmy Hoffa--was present as the Giant pass rushers literally (well, not literally ) buried Phoenix quarterback Gary Hogeboom. He was sacked five times and had four passes intercepted in a 35-7 Cardinalsloss.

Miami’s millionaire receiver Mark Clayton gave new meaning to term costly mistakes, ending his holdout in time to drop four passes, including two in the final 20 seconds of a 33-40 loss to the Jets.

And Detroit (0-3) announced that rookie Rodney Peete will probably start at quarterback for the Edsels in place of Bob Gagliano, who married a magazine model Monday and may not be ready to play by Sunday.

THE RANKINGS

OCEAN/BAY CONFERENCE

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Green (1-2) 38-41, Rams Atlanta 2. Miami (1-2) 33-40, Jets Houston

EDSEL CONFERENCE

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Detroit (0-3) 27-47, Chicago Pitt

TRUMP CONFERENCE

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. N.J. Jets (1-2) Def. Miami, 40-33 Indy

HOMELESS CONFERENCE

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Raiders (1-2) 21-31, Denvelway Seattle

LIZ’S TEAM

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Dallas (0-3) 7-30, Washington N.J. Giants

CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: Pitt (1-2) vs. Detroit (0-3).

QUOTEBOOK: Viking Coach Jerry Burns, on the kicker candidates that the team was considering before it signed Rich Karlis: “Any guy that’s ever laced a shoe. Fred Cox. George Blanda. Anybody still alive.”

YOU’VE HEARD OF THE BOWIE KNIFE; NOW . . . : Dolphin linebacker Mark Brown, after ending a nine-week holdout and signed a one-year contract for $350,000, said: “They held an economic knife to my throat.”