What San Diego Police Could Be Like in the Future

Goodby Joe Friday, hello Dale Carnegie. Or: Just the relevant data input, ma’am.

Dum de dum dum. This is San Diego, the second largest centrally governed urban demographic unit in the state.

For most of its residents, San Diego is a good place to produce goods and services and enjoy their off-hours in a socially responsible fashion.

But some insist on engaging in conduct not in conformance with one or more Penal Code sections or municipal ordinances.

That’s when I go to work.

I’m a service representative for a modern, horizontally integrated, quality-obsessed corporation. I market law-and-order, retail division.

I facilitate. I make house calls. I make no value judgments--that would be retrograde and confrontational.

I used to be a cop. That’s before the San Diego Police Department was modernized in 1991: before it dropped its old ways and old titles and instituted modern management methods from the business world.

At first I thought it was odd.

Here’s the P.D., a certified paramilitary organization, trying to become corporate at the same time corporations are trying to become more paramilitary. Every conglomerate in the country wants to hire General Schwarzkopf to kick butt and increase productivity.

Maybe the grass always looks greener on the other side of the flow chart.

When I was a cop, I acted beastly. I’d see some fellow running down the street at 2 a.m. carrying a portable television and I’d yell: “Stop right there, you glob of swine excrement.”

Now I counsel, I reach consensus, I point out the qualitative downside of a crime-oriented lifestyle.

In the bad old days, a cop worked 20 years for a pension and accumulated enough anger, frustration and paranoia to light Clairemont. The woods of Idaho are full of burned-out cops.

I’m sure that’ll all be different now that we’re corporate. I can’t wait to get my country club privileges and golden parachute.

Mickey Mouse Honor

Here and there.

* Patriotism goes Goofy.

Disneyland sends out a press release and an 8x11-inch glossy for every Operation Desert Storm soldier who visits the Magic Kingdom.

Each is named an honorary citizen of Disneyland and is posed next to a young woman who serves as Disneyland’s 1991 Ambassador to the World.

* Lobbying by Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey Circus has helped kill an elephant protection bill, SB318, spurred by the Dunda beating scandal at the Wild Animal Park.

The author, state Sen. Dan McCorquodale (D-San Jose), vows to try again next year.

* Board of Supervisors Chairman John MacDonald will get a firsthand look at the county’s court mess. He starts two weeks’ jury duty in Vista today.

* The America’s Cup Organizing Committee is leaving nothing to chance for the millions of visitors expected to flock here.

Take this suggestion from the official guide on how to survive a Mexican restaurant: “If you do get a bite of something that burns, place an ice cube on your tongue until the fire fades (always order water with your meal).”

No kidding.

The Dating Game

Personals ad in San Diego Union, placed by woman looking for romance, specifically:

“non-smkr, intelligent, positive, honest, dynamic, strong yet gentle, handsome, successful, sexy, athletic, kind, sensitive, considerate, unpretentious, secure, caring, respectful, ultra romantic, genuine, exceptional man who has integrity, depth, loves laughter, believes in love/friendship/commitment/family, togetherness, sharing, quiet times, is spontaneous, patient, well-groomed, loves cntry inns, my new home, big porches, f’place, shade trees, waves, cntry brkfast, who may like to relocate, adopt a Romanian orphan, help homeless; who is grateful and appreciates beauty of life . . . “

Sorry, I knew just the guy for you, except he doesn’t like f’places.