Punch Lines

Jack Attack: Jack Nicholson gets big laughs in “As Good as It Gets” playing an eccentric who is racist, anti-Semitic and anti-homosexual. “So even if he doesn’t win the Oscar, he’s the early favorite in the New Hampshire primary.” (Argus Hamilton)

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Vesuvius: Archeologists have uncovered an ancient snack bar in the ruins of Pompeii. “The sign on the front gave it away. ‘Sorry, cashier carries nothing larger than a drachma.’ ” (Alan Ray)

Van Gogh With Gloves: Evander Holyfield will fight Lennox Lewis on April 25 in Las Vegas. “Holyfield is the first heavyweight to float like a butterfly and taste like chicken.” (Hamilton)

Why Not Just Call It a Supermarket? USA Today has spotted a growing trend toward giant, 4,000-square-foot, 24-hour convenience stores. “They say some of these are so big, they can accommodate up to 200 armed robbers at one time.” (Jay Leno)

Ditto for Wayne Newton: Researchers say that cities with legalized gambling, such as Las Vegas, have a higher rate of suicide. “Of course, that’s only when Tony Orlando is appearing.” (Premiere Radio)

Thinly Vailed Threat: “The latest snow report from Vail, Colo., describes ski conditions as . . . expensive.” (Jenny Church)

Space Cadet: Astronomers are using the Hubble telescope to study how stars explode. “They began their research last summer watching Christian Slater flip out and bite a cop.” (Premiere Radio)

What Are the Odds of Being on Time? Amtrak is studying a plan to allow gambling on all of its rail lines. “The service would be called Off-Track Betting.” (Ray)

Signs of the Apocalypse: A survey found that 61% of Americans believe in miracles, a big jump from 10 years ago. “No wonder. In the last decade, several miracles have occurred: an NBA star wearing high heels, Jenny McCarthy getting a prime-time series and Rep. Bob Dornan being defeated in Orange County.” (Jerry Perisho)

Cheers: Scientists say a drink a day reduces your chances of dying young. “In a related story, Ted Kennedy’s doctor just diagnosed him as immortal.” (Premiere)

Rich Kids: Variety ran an article listing the wealthiest people in Hollywood. “The top three were Steven Spielberg, Michael Eisner and Wile E. Coyote’s personal-injury attorney.” (Hamilton)