Punch Lines

The Iceberg Cometh: “Hollywood is wondering if there’s a way to make a sequel to ‘Titanic.’ It’s going to take some creativity. Suppose the survivors are a professor, a movie star, a skipper, a millionaire and his wife. . . .” (Argus Hamilton)

Hamburger Helper: McDonald’s is testing a new burger called the Big Xtra. “Half of the customers got the burger, half got a placebo. So far, everyone agrees the placebo tastes better.” (Camille Brewster)

Politics as Unusual: The mayor of Acteal, Mexico, was arrested in connection with the Chiapas massacre and the outgoing mayor of Darby, Pa., was booked on suspicion of bank robbery. “Gee, remember the good old days when mayors just smoked crack?” (Daily Scoop)

It’s All Relative: Now that Woody Allen has married the girl he helped raise with Mia Farrow, his stand-up routine could pack extra punch. “He’s the first comedian in history who will be able to do mother-in-law jokes about his ‘ex-wife.’ ” (Hamilton)

Murder Inc.: Jack Kevorkian was questioned by Detroit police after dropping off a woman’s body at the coroner’s office. “Apparently Kevorkian is offering a new service: ‘I’ll deliver in less than 30 minutes or your next assisted suicide is free!’ ” (Jerry Perisho)

Fear of Flying: El Al Airlines now offers an $85 “flight to nowhere” that takes off, cruises around for several hours, then returns to Ben-Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv. “Nevertheless, 38% of the luggage still gets routed to the wrong city.” (Bob Mills)

Honk If You Love Giuliani: In an effort to reduce “road rage,” New York’s Department of Motor Vehicles is planning to open its first comedy driving school. “Among other things, students will learn how to use air bags as whoopie cushions.” (Mills)

Doggone: President Clinton’s new puppy is quickly adjusting to life in the Beltway. “He no longer wants to be referred to as a dog. He prefers the term Labrador-American.” (Hamilton)

Wile E. Elephant: “Republican efforts to destroy President Clinton are bordering on the obsessive. It’s become a Roadrunner cartoon. Dan Burton was last seen in the Maryland countryside painting a fake tunnel into Camp David.” (Hamilton)

Dress Rehearsal: Bob Costas took over NBC’s basketball coverage last week. He replaces the one and only Marv Albert. “He certainly has some high heels to fill.” (Hamilton)

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