Laugh Lines

“I think I speak for all Americans when I say we now know a lot more about Marv Albert’s sex life than we ever wanted to know.” (Jay Leno)

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Before he was banned from the House, former Rep. Bob Dornan called one congressman a liar and a coward, challenged his religion, used foul language and nearly started a fistfight. “They kicked him out for that?” asks Argus Hamilton. “Isn’t that how he got elected in the first place?”

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“The National Endowment for the Arts is endowed. Not well-endowed, but endowed. If it were well-endowed, Congress wouldn’t endow it.” (Michael Feldman)

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“The CIA has a new cookbook out,” says Joe Kevany. “There are no recipes, just theories.”

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“They say Home Depot owes $8.75 million in sex discrimination suits,” says Bill Maher. “In fact, on aisle 11, they’re selling glass ceilings.”

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The NFL has started marketing its collection of toiletries. “There’s nothing better than stepping out of the shower and spraying on something that will make you smell like a 300-pound linebacker.” (Olympia Daily World)

* “All teams will sponsor a men’s deodorant that smells like freshly minted money.” (Bob Mills)

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The AMA Journal reports that 21% of antibiotic prescriptions are for colds and other viral ailments not affected by antibiotics. “One doctor was caught prescribing penicillin for low self-esteem,” says Mills.

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David Kaczynski says he hopes that his brother, the accused Unabomber, can forgive him for turning him in. “David told reporters, ‘I was optimistic one day when I got a card from Ted . . . before it took out half my patio.’ ” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

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“Jack Kevorkian was recently issued a license to carry a handgun--or, as he calls it, his assistant.” (Leno)

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“Los Angeles has built a sewage museum,” says Bill Williams. “Hollywood started them off by donating the script from ‘Waterworld.’ ”

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“The NCAA announced a $10-million sponsorship deal with Taco Bell, KFC and Pizza Hut. It looks like the ‘Road to the Final Four’ is paved with cholesterol.” (Jerry Perisho)

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“The MTV program ‘Love Lines’ last week featured a woman who says she has orgasms when she sneezes,” says Steve Voldsmith. “Kind of an embarrassing moment for her recently. Her husband came home early and found her in the kitchen with a pepper mill.”

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Reader Desiree Engel of Fullerton was with her daughter and grandson Gabe, 5, who was holding a small baby on his lap. His mother told Gabe, “You were once that small.”

“How do you know?” he asked.