If I ran the Oscars: Regan Burns

In this interview series, we ask some famous free-thinkers to recast the Oscars in their own image. Our next presenter: actor and movie reviewer Regan Burns.

Question: Regan, who’s taking home an Oscar this year?

Answer: You want me to just tell you all the winners right now? Just like that? Aren’t you going to at least buy me dinner first? Hmm... I guess I can give ya a few locks right now. Look for Bridges, Mo’Nique, Waltz, Bigelow and Streep (edging out Bullock) in the major categories. In smaller categories, expect any documentary, short or foreign film having to do with the Holocaust to win, unless, of course, there is another film category involving a special ed student who learned how to paint with his nose. Then it’s a coin toss.

Q: OK, but let’s say you’re in charge of the academy votes. Who do you give the Oscar to?

A: If my predictions above pan out, I think they all deserve to win. And I’d love to see “The Cove” win best documentary, although I’m still pretty [upset] that “Anvil! The Story of Anvil” didn’t get a nod. (Headbangers, rise up!)

Also, I would love if they held a camera on James Cameron’s face for the whole ceremony and kept it posted in the bottom corner, and then have “Avatar” lose every single technical award. Then we could all come up with some kind of drinking game involving the degree to which the veins in his face begin to bulge out of his head. “And the award for best sound mixing goes to ... ‘Transformers.’” Everyone has to chug if he walks out.

Q: Which films and performers from the past should have received an Oscar but didn’t receive one? And which, in your opinion, DIDN’T deserve the award?

A: Hard to believe that “The Shawshank Redemption,” “Fargo” and “GoodFellas” didn’t win best picture, and the fact that Alfred Hitchcock never won one (honoraries don’t count) is a travesty.

As far as undeserving winners, everyone always points out the easy ones: Marisa Tomei in “My Cousin Vinny,” Helen Hayes in “Airport,” “Tom Jones” (the movie, not the well-endowed Vegas act). But for my money, I’d love to steal back Oscars from any actor who has gone on to do work so wretched that it cancels out their previous victory.

Kevin Costner wins for “Dances with Wolves,” does “300 Miles to Graceland”: REVOKED! Cuba Gooding Jr. wins for “Jerry Maguire,” does “Snow Dogs”: REVOKED. Robin Williams wins for “Good Will Hunting,” does “RV,” “Old Dogs,” “August Rush,” “License to Wed,” “Man of the Year,” “Death to Smoochy,” “Bicentennial Man,” (deep breath) “What Dreams May Come,” “Patch Adams”...

You know what? Robin Williams shouldn’t even be allowed to attend the Academy Awards anymore.

Q: Which categories would you add? Which need deleting?

A: I would add best background performer (they don’t like the term “extras” anymore), and then do a 10-minute montage of all five of the nominees doing some of their best camera crosses, crowd scenes, and stadium seat-filler work.

And let’s get rid of the screenplay awards, if only for the fact that writers insist on hanging around the set all the time and giving their “two cents” when nobody really wants it.

Q: What part of the telecast would you remove? And what would you replace it with?

A: Turn down the microphones on the audience during the In Memoriam section! These people are dead, and they are still pawns in a stupid popularity contest: “Look, a world-renowned cinematographer died (light applause). What? The guy who played Mr. Roper croaked (The crowd goes nuts)?!?”

Q: OK, which part of the Oscars would you never change?

A: Playing music over the speeches that go on too long. Sorry, Mr. Costume Designer, but nobody [cares] about your high school teacher who bought you your first pair of shears. In fact, I say let’s take it to the next level. Trap doors? Have the front row throw beanbags at them after 30 seconds? How about if you go over a minute, Sean Penn walks out and punches you in the face? Seriously, people, it’s a work night!

Q: Who would be your dream host or presenters? How about musical performers?

A: Any host who doesn’t do another stupid montage where they put themselves in the nominated movies. Can we finally bury that tired bit? Although I’m pretty stoked about [Steve] Martin and [Alec] Baldwin this year. I should say that I’m cautiously optimistic, since I’m still getting over the Hugh Jackman fiasco from last year.

And if there is a God, all five of the nominated songs this year will be performed by Lil Wayne.

Q: Who would receive your honorary Oscars for lifetime achievement?

A: Sally Kirkland. I believe she was nominated about 77 years ago for a movie that nobody saw (“Anna”), and yet she still shows up every March with her ... prominently displayed. That’s what the Oscars are all about.

Q: Do you have a favorite (good or bad) Oscar moment from the past?

A: I loved when Matt Stone and Trey Parker of “South Park” came dressed as Gwyneth Paltrow and J-Lo! And how about when Michael Moore won for “Bowling for Columbine” and ripped ol’ Bush Jr. a new one? Or when Paddy Chayefsky basically told Vanessa Redgrave to shove her Oscar and just say thank you? Come on, people, no one wants to hear you thank your agent and parents. Let’s mix it up a little, baby!

Q: And lastly, let’s give you an Oscar for all your hard work this year, so Regan, the microphone is yours.

A: I want to thank the other four nominees for being less “best” than I am. Let this be a warning: You are really going to have to step up your game if you want a piece of this. And I would also like to take this time to mention that I have just begun production on “Snow Dogs 2,” coming to a theater near you in the spring of 2011.

For more Oscar talk with Regan Burns, listen to the Marc Germain Show at 8 p.m. PST on www.TalkRadioOne.comThursday night.